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 What Must be considered for a successful marriage

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ben4realla
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Posts : 7
Age : 33
Join date : 2012-10-05
Location : Lagos, Nigeria

PostSubject: What Must be considered for a successful marriage   Sat Oct 06, 2012 6:08 am

Chapter 1
TRUST
As earlier stated, the term TRUST can be defined as the Total Reliance Upon Someonelse’s Truths. In other words, it is the total confidence in an individual. Precisely, it is the complete believe in or through reliance of a married woman in her husband’s personality; quality of character portrayed in his approach to handling issues in and out of her presence (vice versa).
The conspicuous quality of trust is a total, complete or thorough reliance or confidence. Hence, the word known as trust is partly a statement of true love that expresses ‘undiluted’ and unequivocal confidence that exists amongst prepared married couples. No matter what ensues, the totality of trust is all-engulfing because ‘few’ couples who are set to enjoy marital success can vouch for sincerity in their approach to circumstances; together or apart.
However, many married couples are experiencing marital setbacks, due to lack of genuine trust. In its entirety, trust is realistically a vague impetus in the face of their marriages. Of course, no thanks to the shaky marital foundation laid. Consequently, they stay married in the light of anticipating divorce, separation, bitterness, regrets, insecurity and doubt. Married people who sincerely lack trust in their union are akin to individuals who want tango dance but have no practical mastery of its dynamics. They wish excercisng to the fullest trust without having the real ‘act-it’ way. They are undoubtedly unprepared to stay married and experience marital success.
A pertinent question that should be asked is: ‘why is trust lacking amongst married couples’? In the first place, can they really trust themselves, let alone trusting their spouses? It is astonishing that some people who by law are married do not necessarily know when and how to demonstrate the value of trust.
Trust is time-dependent. It is a developmental process. It takes time to reach its fullest. As a matter of fact, it is continuous. It is akin to the birth of a new born baby that has to undergo the compulsory developmental stages from babyhood to adulthood. It is an identity which should start from oneself (though not an easy one, the individual can rely on preferably an experienced, a mature and an older adult to properly boost his or her self-confidence because it is very important.). Trust is built by an individual over the years and like the golden rule that says: ‘do to others what you want them to do to you’, expressed in the relationship with their spouses, they trust them (spouses) just as they trust themselves.
This is synonymous with married individuals totally relying on each other’s sincerity without an iota of doubt (hypocrisy), thanks to the over-the-years built trust. It is important to note that for trust to be total, the two parties must act it without acknowledging the guest known as pretence. No wonder this issue is only for few married couples! Also important, trust does not identify itself with the ‘benefit of a doubt’ expression most married people use to ‘cover’ observed shortcomings or imbalances associated with their spouses. Rather, trust acknowledges the ‘benefit of faith’, in a way.
The answer to the question ‘why is trust lacking amongst married couples?’ is elucidated in trust’s seven-listed subordinates. These subordinates assert in detail difficulties faced by married people trusting themselves and their spouses.

a) FIDELITY
Many married couples have arguably expressed intellectual unrest in terms of practically demonstrating its worth. No doubt, there are different forms of fidelity but we will consider the most rampant form of sexuality; sexual intercourse between opposite sexes. People generally have challenges in addressing the issue of sex matters especially in marriage.
Unfortunately, ‘fidelity’, a term replaced by ‘(in) fidelity’ is apparently becoming a norm amongst married individuals because it has been habitually displayed during their growing years without necessarily embracing the need of self-control and chastity.
To this moment, as a married man or woman, you are a product of your past experiences, meaning if not chaste, you have a sexual past. Obviously, you know that a not-dealt-with past is reflected as an unchecked today and if not halted, will bring about a threatening tomorrow. Do you believe in sincerity, which is, unveiling your sexual wrongs to your spouse? Starting from the day you first made love to the period you are with your current spouse, can you sincerely give an account of whom you had had sexual relations with? ‘This is nonsense’! You may say. But be informed, these not-important concerns of sexuality culminate to infidelity traced in the lifestyle of most married couples. Sincerely, are you worth sexually being faithful to? In respect to the number of people you have dated, do you still have crush for any of them? Can you sincerely tell your spouse about it? Are you chaste? Can you exercise self control if you were sexually advanced by the opposite sex in the absence of your spouse? In all the years of marriage, can you confidently boast of being faithful to your spouse? Even if you cheat on your spouse, can you summon the boldness to confess to your spouse?
Interestingly, it is unequivocally correct; some people marry for trivial reasons and as result, divorce for trivial reasons. Precisely, a considerable number of married men and women enter the institution, marriage on a trivial foundation of sexual competence and as a result, divorce on the grounds of infidelity.
Agreeably, a habitual fornicator (the one who engages in regular pre-marital sex) eventually becomes an addicted adulterer or adulteress. Without a pinch of salt, such a person, if married, should not be trusted in terms of being faithful to his or her spouse. Many married men cannot easily be sexually committed to their wives because of the picked-up habit of youthful exuberance (act of flirting with other ladies, despite relationship status) had continued to live with them, unchecked to the point where their status reads ‘married’.
You would discover that people who have engaged in various sex-related relationships have limited goal orientation. This is because setting goals entails active involvement in executing. And the ‘road’ to the execution of set goals does not give room for unnecessary dilly-dally; involving oneself with time-wasting relationships. You could imagine how people who had in the past engaged in various failed ‘i-love-you’ relationships (will very) likely handle their marriages. Of course, insecurity and doubt minus trust! If an individual is progress-oriented, the goals set will never permit him or her to engage in futile relationships because they demand attention, time, energy, money, intellect and other forms of sacrifices. With your five senses at work, would you like to marry someone who had been involved in countless number of failed relationships in anticipation of a change heart; embracing faithfulness and assuring a good home? If yes, please do have a re-think. How can a man or woman who had lived a life of fruitless youthful exuberance by engaging in various failed relationships suddenly become a good home maker or family head and demonstrate trust in his or her dealings with people of the opposite sex?
Why would married men keep illicit affairs outside the convenience of their matrimony? Two reasons: lack of trust and self control. With these factors, such men are destined to live a life of insecurity and doubt. On second thought, any woman, who before getting married, had exposed the worth of womanhood for men to ‘venture’, in and out of sight, will face a high chance of being cheated and treated like a prostitute. In addition, like a disposable medical syringe, she will be ‘used and dumped’ by her partners and perhaps, her husband for believed-to-be-better women. Though it is wrong the act of cheating on their wives, if we took a closer look into the sex history of their wives, we will see that they are undoubtedly not different from their husbands. And like the old saying: ‘what goes around comes around’, they tend to be treated in that respect. This issue also applies to women. Imagine the marriage between two unrepentant (habitual) fornicators, what do you think will happen subsequently in their marriage? The two parties will indulge in illicit affairs with either the wife cheating on her husband (vice versa) or both of them cheating on each other, with or without knowing. These are one of the direct consequences of not embracing chastity!
Trust is a virtue that builds itself (in this case) in chastity. For fidelity, one can confide easily in an individual of a chaste character. A truly chaste character will birth self control. Total Reliance Upon Someonelse’s Truths is complete when both parties depict true chaste characters, Take or leave it, the happiest and most successful marriage exists when a man who is truly chaste meets and marries a woman of this kind. True chastity is confirmed by the ability to pass through certain tests of lust-filled sex offers, irrespective of circumstance via abstinence. This is one of the factors explaining reasons few people experience successful marriages.

b) FINANCIAL DEPENDABILITY
Can you entrust the entire financial resources you own under the care of your wife? The answer to this question has made many married men question the trust in their wives in terms of financial matters. As a matter of fact, the involvement of third parties in place of their wives is devised. Instead of confiding in their wives, they prefer resting their trust by investing their fortunes in the hands of friends, bank account officers and other relatives. Why?

Can your husband trust you with his money? Can you be relied on if your husband is away with his money under your control? Financially, as a wife, can you be the ‘wife’ you ought to be in the recognition of supporting your husband? It is reasonable to assert that many married women cannot financially trust themselves. Hence, the rationale behind men who cannot depend on their wives, money-wise.
Enrich the bosom of a married woman with riches to ascertain whether or not she will be dependable or submissive to her husband. By observation, most secular marriages that have women richer than men are usually problematic as they cannot easily support their husbands in certain pursuits thereby misplacing the worth of trust. On the other hand, equip a married man with money and see whether or not he will completely be financially dedicated to his wife without necessarily seeking form pleasure outside the closure of his matrimony. Unfortunately, some married men, if financially empowered, face hard nut to crack challenges in totally investing their money to meet up with current physical and material demands of their wives. In a way, they ‘share’ their wives with other women thereby depriving them a thorough financial commitment. Certainly, trust is a missing factor. The few ones programmed to experience successful marriages (mutually) depend financially on themselves.

c) HOME AFFAIRS
Generally, the home is the building block or foundation of any society. It is a residence where a true family lives. Every society anticipates good homes for its socio-cultural advancement. Without a functional home, there is no functional society.
Granted, a man can erect a house but it takes a woman to make it a home. The ability of a woman to command or control the general affairs of the home is dependent on how empowered or equipped she is in handling general home matters and the self-confidence boost in actualizing the task and trust in her husband.
However, quite a lot of women seem unprepared and incompetent to handle issues concerning the home. Though, in theory, they have come to terms that a woman is the nucleus of a functional and thriving home, culminating to the nation’s socio-cultural advancement, they practically find it difficult to control the home-front and simultaneously cope with the challenging demands of the work-world. To them, it is herculean to create a striking balance between managing their homes.
A situation where a career-driven woman cannot properly manage her home, resulting in her seeking the hands off house-helps will have questionable trust from her husband. To be candid, there can never be any balance created to equate home affairs with demanding work inputs. Rather, in attempting what will result in a flaw, it is either the home-front or demanding careers that suffer setbacks. Consequently, a sacrifice would have to be made-opting for a prosperous career and let the home and eventually, the society suffers socio-cultural unrest or vice versa.
It is rare to find a highly prosperous or successful career-oriented woman establish a successful home, no thanks to incompetence expressed as disbelief in properly handling the home. Simply, most career-driven women over-prioritize their careers instead of taking to cognizance home affairs management because they feel its no up to their standards. They do not express the responsibility expression of taking home issues seriously. Subsequently, they invite distrust to thrive in their attitude towards home-related matters by focusing more on their careers.
On the other hand, the few ones, who, by virtue of preparation are destined to experience and enjoy a successful marriage, have unequivocally come to terms with the fact that it takes mutual and painstaking effort and trust to make secure the home. Also, a woman must focus more of home activities than secular endeavours to experience a blissful home. Moreover, the mutual trust the parties have in each other will go a long way in affecting the stability of the home. Most rampant of them all is the fact that the most difficult phases of marriage are building a HOME and raising children.

d) EDUCATIONAL PROFICIENCY
If you X-ray forty men, using the question: ‘what do you want in a woman you want to settle down with’? Aside the mentioning of striking physical and apparently important qualities, be rest assured that at least fifty percent of men will say something like ‘she must be educated’.
Some men, as a matter of priority, see academic, associate or professional qualification as one of the major criteria for marrying the women of their choice. For instance, a man who holds a Maters Degree will want to settle with a woman that has a Bachelors Degree, at least. Some financially capable men with no official academic education may settle down with women possessing first degree certificates from any recognized citadel of higher learning. In all honesty, has this criterion in any way brought about a successful marriage?
More often than not, we hear of cases where academically qualified married women become unqualified life wives-they are victimized by the ugly force of ignorance, reflecting in the gross inability to demonstrate the essence of womanhood, especially in marriage. Their approach to marital issues makes their husbands loose trust in them and question their educational attainments. This is a story of woman who after her Masters Degree programme got married to her husband, a well-to-do business guru. In no time, her husband soon realized she had a poor cooking style and could not handle kitchen-related matters. He soon lost the confidence in her and sought for sumptuous meals outside his matrimonial home. Before eyes could blink, they were estranged from each other for over a decade. In my view, that is no successful marriage because they failed to stay married.
Arguably, highly educated men depict levels of irresponsibility-they tend not only cheating on their wives, sexually and materially but also gratify their desires outside the context of marital recognition. Using their educational status, especially professors or a-list academics, they deceive their ‘victims’ within their advantageous limits-providing succor to make up for poor scores or other wrong doings of many young female undergraduates. Practically neglecting their marital status, they are skeptical about the genuinty of trust in their wives. Perhaps, the reason behind their irresponsible doings. However, if their wives get to know about their escapades, can they trust their husbands? Unfortunately, given normal circumstances, they choose the kind of man they want to marry-possession of academic qualification as criterion.
However, the few married couples who know what a successful marriage demands will saliently pay limited attention to the prioritized academic demands but as a matter of strict consideration, attend to values which are instrumental for marital security and continuity-being able to practically demonstrate quality educational characters necessary for staying married.

e) SPIRITUALITY

At this point, there are different views concerning the multi-faceted-in-nature discourse. Although this interest portrays apparently contradicting ideologies in different doctrines, recognizing spirituality is an issue which is essential for a successful marriage. You may choose to take or leave it.
A good number of married people are oblivious of the fact that spirituality unequivocally remains the only essential ingredient which is vital for the preparation of the mouth-watering trust. Believe it or not, it is the surest model that trust can be guaranteed amongst married couples.
It is quite unfortunate many married people have laid their marital foundation on the grounds of trivialities-money, sex and other material gains. These carnalities have undoubtedly eaten deep into the length and breadth of their marriages. Instead of making paramount spirituality, carnality is given enough room to administer intricate marital affairs thereby orchestrating distrust, insecurity and doubt amongst married people.
As an expert builder, what would you do if a building is on the verge of collapse owing to a headed-for-destruction foundation? The answer is similar to the case of those, the married, whose bedrock was built on lack of (mutual trust, a statement of the eternal-in-nature true love, a synonym of spirituality, in a way). No wonder the word ‘trust’ is vague amongst married people in terms of action: handling marital affairs.
On the other side of the coin, a ‘selected’ few married men and women have unarguably seen that mutual trust can only truly be earned by fixing their gaze on the tenets of all divine truths, the Holy bible. Again, you may choose to take or believe it. They believe without hook, line and sinker true love, the eternal foundation of any successful marriage, is a direct consequence of the practical appreciation of these truths. Without an iota of doubt, spirituality, reflected as true love, birth trust. This is one of the reasons that account for successful marriages experienced by few married people; not taking trivial spiritually related issues by believing wholeheartedly related divine truths as they affect their marital dealings. Simply, the fact is; trust can only be mutual if both parties can take cognizance of the efficacies of sprituality over physicality depicted as true love over trivialities. Married people, enjoying or experiencing successful marriages, to a large extent, assert that spirituality controls physicality-true love ‘controls triviality’

f) CALL TO RAISING CHILDREN
Does the statement: ‘educate a man, you’ve only educated one person, educate a woman, you’ve educated a family’ ring a bell to you? Although the compulsory service of raising children is a dual effort and responsibility of a man (father) and woman (mother), the mental, social and other relevant issues of interest rest on the woman. As a married man or woman, how prepared are you for this service? Remember, one of the most difficult phases of marriage is the call to raising children!
A considerable number of married people face difficulties in raising children simply because they are not (fully) practically empowered for such a task. Therefore, lack of trust ensues. A woman who cannot properly nurture her children morally, emotionally and socially will eventually loose anticipated trust or confidence she ought to earn from her husband. On the other hand, a man who cannot see to the physical needs of his children will be regarded as an infidel. He cannot really be vouched for by his wife. Hence, his being a father becomes a ‘surface’ perspective.
However, the married ones who are experiencing or set to experience successful marriages are those who demonstrate the knowing that it takes the painstaking efforts, their active involvements to raise children. In other words, raising children the right way entails dual sacrificial efforts the preparedness of the man and wife. This is simply what differentiates the few married ones who are experience successful marriages and the majority whose marriages are not encouraging.

WISDOM/COUNSELLING
What many married people in the world have failed is the power of wisdom and great counsel as they affect marital success. As a matter of fact, a considerable number of married men and women are wisdom-deficient that they can hardly exercise trust. Unfortunately, they get married, ‘misplacing the role of trust, an ally of wisdom which is essential for a successful marriage. Many of them have sought for wrong counsel from the so-believed experts, friends and even family members. Without any skepticism, this has over the years wiped out the issue of trust in the light of marital interest which they recognize. Therefore, contrary to certain right decisions and counsel they make and listen to, quite a number of married people handle their marital concern in folly, only to express distrust in their dealings with their spouses.
Majority of people in the world whose status read ‘married’ are oblivious of the fact that it takes applied wisdom and right counsel to ensure mutual trust that should exist between the man and his wife. For instance, a woman who, instead of being submissive, probably due to status advantage over husband has decided to put on the garment of pride will not be trusted or relied on by her husband. Not only that, she gives room for folly and subsequent division. Another instance is the wrong counsel of a man not heeding to the advice or suggestions made by his wife, perhaps due to gender difference, a clue to gender inequality. To such people, listen to this: ‘though the counsel or advice of a woman may appear illogical or foolish in certain issues, a man who shows recalcitrance is a fool’. Men who neglect the counsel of their wives do not express trust in them. Seldom, the potency of their decisions without consulting their wives end futile to the detriment of what specially unites them; marriage
Married people who experience success in their marriages attribute it to certain factors such as demonstrating right marital counsel listened, attending word-based marriage seminars and most importantly, mutually trusting each other on the nature of instruction, advice and suggestion given by both actively participating parties (to each other). For instance, a woman knows that to win the trust or confidence of her husband, she has to be submissive, irrespective of prevailing situations. On the other hand, to fully guarantee trust or confidence, that is, counsel, he has to pay rapt attention to what she has to say, not minding her gender


At this point, ‘striking’ statement would have to be made; if you cannot trust your spouse sexually, then you cannot entrust your financial fortunes under his or her watchful eyes. When you cannot do that, then you disregard your spouse’s ability to rightly administer home affairs. When you disregard your spouse’s administrerial home potentials, then, you will neglect certain spirituality-related obligations your spouse is involved in. Obviously, as this issue is neglected, then, you will show little or no concern towards the counsel, advice, suggestion or instruction given by your spouse.




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