Christian Creative Writers

A FREE CHRISTIAN WRITERS' FORUM
 
HomeHome  PortalPortal  FAQFAQ  SearchSearch  RegisterRegister  Log in  SpotlightSpotlight  JesusJesus  
NO REGISTRATION**FEEL FREE TO COMMENT AS A GUEST**NO REGISTRATION**POST YOUR POETRY OR STORIES AS A GUEST**NO REGISTRATION**WRITERS RESOURCES**NO REGISTRATION**CHRISTIAN DISCUSSION**NO REGISTRATION**GREAT WRITING TIPS**
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Share | 
 

  Stuck in the Snow

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
Corney96
APPRENTICE (6-25 posts)
APPRENTICE (6-25 posts)
avatar

Posts : 9
Join date : 2012-02-16
Location : Texas

PostSubject: Stuck in the Snow   Fri Mar 09, 2012 5:19 pm

It was a fine morning when the Jackson family decided to go on a 2 hour trip to visit their grandparents. Their Dad was working, but the kids were out for winter break. The six children thoroughly enjoyed car trips with each other.
An hour quickly passed and they came into some grey clouds. No one paid much attention to this and continued playing their games. All of a sudden it began to pour snow over Vermont! Mrs. Jackson could hardly see out, for the wind was blowing extra hard. Most everyone realized how dangerous this storm was and began to worry. She wanted to stop but there was a twenty minute stretch with nothing, not even houses could be seen. As they trudged on, the storm got worse and worse. Mrs. Jackson began to regret going and wishing she had stayed home.
Little five year old Bethany said in a shaky voice, “Mommy, I’m scared!” All the others felt the same.
“Don’t worry sweetie, I’ll stop as soon as I find a place to.” Mrs. Jackson said trying to be a comfort. Her oldest son Jake looked at her with a worried countenance for he knew they were out in the middle of nowhere. The atmosphere in the car was tense but they drove on in silence.
As Mrs. Jackson was straining to look through the darkness for a place to stop, she didn’t notice that she was swaying a little bit into the other lane. She hoped so much she was would see a light through the heavy snow. She still didn’t notice her position in the lanes when another car started coming from the opposite direction. As the car became very close, the person honked. This instantly drew her attention back to the road and she turned very hard to the right. She swerved so far to the right that with all the confusion of darkness, the blowing snow, the screaming children, and the car next to her she ran into the deep snow banks.
“Did that just happen? What do I do?” We’re the thoughts that went through her head. Everyone was so stunned, they were speechless. But then little Lilly and Bethany both began to cry. Joy, who loved children, tried her best to sooth and calm all of her siblings. Young and sensitive John tried his best not to show how scared he was, but his pale, frightened face shown through anyways. Her other daughter Marcy, looked up to Joy and tried to be like her, but right now she could not help but show how terrified she was. After the children had quieted down for their Mother of course was trying her best, she started to examine the premises.
“Well let’s see if there is a way out.” She said. Everyone began checking the different windows and doors to see if one of them wasn’t packed down in the snow. Luckily their suburban’s middle windows opened up too. They found that one of the middle windows didn’t have snow up to it! Jake was the oldest guy there and he very much felt that it was his job to see if there was a house about or if her could find bars on his cell phone.
“Jake, do not go far!” his mother said in the least frightened voice she could. “We’ll leave the light on so you can see when you come back. And remember, anytime you get nervous you come right back. Be safe!”He crawled out the window and all eyes followed the dark figure disappear in the snow. Mrs. Jackson couldn’t be still. She was always looking around searching for her son.
Jake circled around the car where he could still see the light. He tried his best to look through the snow for anything. But the snow was getting in his eyes, making it very difficult to see clearly. He wasn’t quite as bundled up as he would have been for there was only a slight chance of snow! So he went back to the car. Everyone was anxious and edgy, so when there was a knock on the door everyone jumped. As soon as they saw who it was they let the window down.
“Mom, I think you should put the car in neutral and we’ll try to push it out.” Jake suggested after he explained that he didn’t see anything.
“Alright, we can try and I’ll wait in here with the two younger kids while Hope, John, and Marcy, help Jake please.” They were all eager to help for it was really awful to have to wait and just see what happens next. The wind shield was about half in the snow so after climbing up the side, the four of them gently rested on it while pushing the car from the top. But it was no use. They had been pushing the car with all their might for more than five minutes and it hadn’t budged. They even tried to move the snow off but it was taking way to long in the hard snow. Poor little John and Marcy were freezing so they all went back inside. Their Mother told them she thought the best thing to do was to wait inside the car. Eventually someone would drive down the road but she told them to turn off the lights just in case it would be awhile.
The next 30 minutes slowly passed with the snow still coming down. It felt so much longer to them. “I’ve been praying and I think all of you should too,” Their Mother said calmly. The whole car was filled with prayers from even little Lilly. After only a few minutes of this the clouds started to lighten up and the snow had become very light. They still couldn’t see anywhere they could go for help, but they felt much more hopeful and there was a light at the end of the tunnel. After a few more minutes a big truck was seen down the road! Everyone quickly turned the lights on as they were told and Mrs. Jackson turned the caution lights on. All eyes were fixed on the truck and sure enough to their great joy the truck slowed down and stopped on the side.
The man got out of his truck and walked over to the side of their vehicle. They rolled down the only window that could be. The merry eyed bearded man said with his cheery voice, “Well it looks like you could use a good tow.”
Yes,” Mrs. Jackson replied, “Is there any way you could call a tow truck?”
“I don’t get reception out here but I’ve got the next best thing. If you like I can hook my truck up to your car and pull ya out.” He said cheerfully like it was a beautiful day.
She smiled and exclaimed, “Oh would you do that for us? We would be more than grateful if you would! We’ve been stuck out here almost an hour.”
The pleasant man said, “Sure thing! I’m Bobby Johnson by the way.”
“I’m Martha Jackson and these are my kids,” And she pointed to each of her children as she introduced each one.
“Nice to meet you all. You have a mighty fine big family. If ya’ll don’t mind, I’d like it if Jake and John would help me.”
They quickly agreed and both crawled out the window. Everyone felt so much more relived! Bobby said that Jake and John were a big help and soon the truck was hooked to their vehicle. Bobby started up his truck the two brothers stood to the side watching. He slowly started and much to everyone’s happiness their car started moving! The snow started falling off as he moved them more. It was a two lane highway that didn’t get used very much even if it hadn’t been snowing. Since no one was coming he had plenty of room to pull them out. Very shortly the whole car was out of the bank and on to the road! The two brothers ran up to the car as soon as it stopped. Much to their relief there was no damage done to the car except a small dent in the front bumper.
“Mom it’s out, you can move now!” Jake exclaimed. She was able to move so she turned to where she was on the side of the road but ready to go! She then walked over to Bobby to thank him and all her children walked over too, to give him hugs!
“Oh thank you so much! You have no idea how grateful we are. God truly answered our prayers!” Mrs. Jackson exclaimed!
Bobby smiled the biggest smile they had seen yet and said, “Well the Lord works in mysterious ways! During the storm I was watching it while I read the newspaper. But I kept feeling like I should go out in the middle of that terrible storm and drive! It was such a strong urge that I could hardly keep still and I knew it was the Lord telling me to go! I grabbed my coat and I left! I didn’t know where or why I was going but the Lord lead me on to this highway. I was a little bit nervous to drive in that terrible storm not knowing how far. But I knew it was from the Lord so he gave me the courage to go! I had driven probably ten minutes when the storm was only a light trickle. Right then as the sun came out I saw your car filled with children, in its situation and I knew I was supposed to stop.”
Mrs. Jackson said blissfully, “Oh isn’t the Lord wonderful!” Lillian, who was holding Joy’s hand exclaimed, “Bob, hero!” This made everyone smile!
Bobby knelt down and said to Lillian, “This time God’s the hero!” Lillian mumbled it to herself and stood there pondering. All of the sudden a light bulb went off in her head and she cried, ‘God, hero!”
As they continued talking, they found that Bobby and his wife were moving into a big place with lots of land really close to the Jackson’s! When everyone made it home safely, they had quite a story to tell!
From that day on the Jacksons and Bobby and his wife became really close friends and they influenced each other greatly! So yes their situation was very scary but the Lord had a plan and was with them the whole time!

“The Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
~Joshua 1:9
Back to top Go down
Lora
SITE ADMINISTRATOR
SITE ADMINISTRATOR
avatar

Posts : 5924
Age : 46
Join date : 2011-07-26
Location : Southern CA

PostSubject: Re: Stuck in the Snow   Fri Mar 09, 2012 7:28 pm

Great work! Give me a few moments and I'll give you a critique.

___________________
God Bless, Lora  Nice Ta Meet Ya
Back to top Go down
http://loraconnor.com http://equippingthesaints.life
Lora
SITE ADMINISTRATOR
SITE ADMINISTRATOR
avatar

Posts : 5924
Age : 46
Join date : 2011-07-26
Location : Southern CA

PostSubject: Re: Stuck in the Snow   Fri Mar 09, 2012 8:25 pm

I love the message in your story. I'm a sucker for good endings. You have a lot of room for play here. I know that the formatting on this site can be a little tricky, but it might make it a little easier to read if you hit the edit button and distinguish the paragraphs. It's not really a big deal though. No worries.

I likes how in the beginning you contrasted a beautiful day with the dark and dangerous day that was to come. You could even play with that a little more by adding more detail and description to the kind of beautiful day it was. You can describe the sunshine, the fresh spring air, etc. As a matter of fact, you might think of treating the whole piece in this manner. Slow it down, take time to describe the little things. Tickle all of the readers' senses, smell, sight, sound, touch, taste. For example, maybe one of the kids always had a runny nose, or maybe after the car was stuck and they turned everything off, the air quickly became frigid and they began to be able to see their breath. Tell us what everyone looked like, what they wore, particular personality characteristics. You can use a thesaurus to come up with some good adjectives to use.

Seeing as how the story is written from the point of view of the mother, try giving us some more insight into the emotions she was feeling here and there. You did this a few times, but it never hurts to add a little more.

Here's some examples of what I mean. Let's look at the following passages that you wrote:

Little five year old Bethany said in a shaky voice, “Mommy, I’m scared!” All the others felt the same.

“Don’t worry sweetie, I’ll stop as soon as I find a place to.” Mrs. Jackson said trying to be a comfort.

We might say that Bethany scrunched up her little face with anxiety, and all the others looked at their mother with wide-eyed worry.

With regards to Mrs. Jackson, we might ask, "what was going on in her mind?" Did she rest her head on the steering wheel to try and clear her mind or in prayer?

A great axiom to follow is show us, don't tell us. Describe events, body language, emotional expressions, the environment.

I hope that helps a little. I think you have a great start here with a wonderful message.

___________________
God Bless, Lora  Nice Ta Meet Ya


Last edited by Lora on Fri Mar 09, 2012 9:06 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
http://loraconnor.com http://equippingthesaints.life
Corney96
APPRENTICE (6-25 posts)
APPRENTICE (6-25 posts)
avatar

Posts : 9
Join date : 2012-02-16
Location : Texas

PostSubject: Re: Stuck in the Snow   Fri Mar 09, 2012 8:54 pm

Thank you SO much and yes it definitely helped. I'll for sure apply those things to my story! I was thinking it needed a little more to it but wasn't sure where to add it! Thanks again for your help!

Corinne ;D
Back to top Go down
Lora
SITE ADMINISTRATOR
SITE ADMINISTRATOR
avatar

Posts : 5924
Age : 46
Join date : 2011-07-26
Location : Southern CA

PostSubject: Re: Stuck in the Snow   Fri Mar 09, 2012 9:04 pm

You're very welcome. Feel free to re-post with your revisions. I'd love to see them.

___________________
God Bless, Lora  Nice Ta Meet Ya
Back to top Go down
http://loraconnor.com http://equippingthesaints.life
 
Stuck in the Snow
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Share this topic...
Link this topic
URL:
BBCode:
HTML:
Page 1 of 1

Permissions in this forum:You can reply to topics in this forum
Christian Creative Writers :: CHRISTIAN WRITERS' FORUM :: Fiction Novels & Short Stories-
Post new topic   Reply to topic