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 story 1

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rhoushill
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PostSubject: story 1   Wed Jan 04, 2012 5:01 pm

seven o clock in the morning, as the shade of light and the cool breeze brushes between my cheek, the texture of morning stain composed, on the face. I retrieve my cup as i observe a unusual guy, walking down the street. between cheese and bluestone,he turns inside a drive way. As I walk from the opposite side of bluestone, passing under the shade of trees, eye's focus. I sharpen my gaze, and notice his jeans and the raggedly tennis shoes that flopped over the tongue. As he walk slowly to the door, and he begain to nock. I start wondering who is he trying to see. A young woman arrived at the door, I turn around. shameful, I thought as I return back to my house. After finish showering and oblige clothe neatly, he quickly walk's out the door but return after thinking.

''I should wait until jimmy retun so i could search for more jobs'', as he walked back, an idea cross his mind,'' life and its expectingcy. '' When he captured his composure as the great idea became a shining light; decided to write it down. Debating as he walk with in the kitchen, selecting items and determining the temperature as he confidently move in the kitchen. After he finished setting up everything he return to the bedroom. setting at his desk and pondering about how the rough draft is going to show, back and forth, i'll use different words as he roamed through the dictionary and selected from his own thesauras. david creativities showed within his facial expression. with eye's twitching and finger scribling away, sounds trailed the surface of the walls, and vibration chiseled the desk as the sound captured david attention. quickly and curiously, he decide to search for the unusual sound. He select each step carefully as he walk slowly through the dark hall; david cautiously observe the rooms as he pass by, but when he turn the door handle with shaded paint, quickly his reality became a cruel awakening, and pasitive thought wouldn't sustain the emotional struggle, which he will have to indeer alone. David develop some courage so he could see what's inside, he continue to open the door, but with an objective ide, as the mystery room reviel within it self; a cube. closely he decide to go, squeaky sound echo as each step; intensified the momment as he reach for it, curiously moved by the look of its presence, and eagered to touch it.

meanwhile jimmy returned, as he walk's heavily up the stears to the front door; drawing attention from the back; david hear's him and quickly return to the hallway, " jimmy" said David. I wonder if you could take me some where so i could find a job". Why didn't you teal me early before? said jimmy". I made a comment about the job early before you left," David responded. unfortunatley, jimmy eye's spoke of sleepeness and moving around wasn't in his plan. After jimmy was sound to sleep, David quickly returned to the mystery room. Without even thinking about it he touches the cube, the warm liquid feeling.


Last edited by rhoushill on Thu Jan 05, 2012 6:07 pm; edited 3 times in total
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Lora
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PostSubject: Re: story 1   Wed Jan 04, 2012 5:38 pm

Interesting start. I look forward to the full length story. Would you like my help with any editing or critiquing? I'm always happy to help. Also, I'm going to put this in the Fiction section. It seems more of an adult story rather than a children's story.

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rhoushill
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PostSubject: Re: story 1   Thu Jan 05, 2012 6:11 pm

stupid computer
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PostSubject: Re: story 1   Thu Jan 05, 2012 7:26 pm

No problem. Still awaiting your full length story! Bless You

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PostSubject: Re: story 1   Sat Nov 03, 2012 12:52 pm

Charle Jonson the 5'2 black guy from Texas who built the house in the wood. One morning in the old Texas wood's, charle begain his dream. He started to develop his dream, by creating a foundation; a vision, which became reality. with a structured plan, he sets the time and supplies for the job. Im going to use wood from the tree's, as he thought. Unfortunately, he didn't have any toole to start the job. With great frustration, he decided to set and think about his choices. Quickly he remember, a buried bag of tooles in the ground. Years have past, since the last time he held those old toole. Charle dug for the old toole with a long tree trunk. He grabed the trunk, ahd scraped into the ground. Sweat runs down the surface, intoo the ground it; ccontentedly, he stood in front of the whole. Waiting, as he regain his strength. Although the time of the day is late, he grabed the bag; with all the energy that was conserved, and laying the weathered, also grim bag down. Breathless, after the difficult job was done.
Charle's stood from the ground and begain to walk. As he continue to walk, fategue, he became; walking down to a location for comfort. observing the solt sheet that lade on the surface, he sets and layed his head down. Time passes, and pass as sounds of sleeplessly snors driftthrough the night. yet the job that shows its self in this moist morning, charle's yearns with great desire; to finish. He reach into so he could build the structure of the house. MEANWHILE, THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF DAY, HE CUT A FEW TREES; TO DEVELOP EXTRA WOOD. CHARLE'S DUSTY HANDS SERGE WITH PAIN, BUT EAGER HE MORE BECAME. Time cross through the day, and sound of small machines running in the woods. Im almost finish, charle thinks. Saw dust covers the ground and torn wood lays on each side of the house. Charle Jonson drop the machine down on the ground and take a step back, and observe the beatiful of the wonderful house.
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PostSubject: Re: story 1   Mon Nov 05, 2012 8:54 pm

This story seems to flow better than your previous work. I can definitely see some improvement. Way to go, rhoushill! There is more detail and moment-to-moment action in this story. You've clearly worked on developing a beginning, middle, and end. Those are all very important qualities to pay attention to. There's still some grammar, spelling, and punctuation difficulties, but with practice, you'll get better at that too. Keep writing, rhoushill!

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